flakiness is next to Godliness

Yeah, I'm gonna brag: I won first place in an apple pie competition. Specifically, they said, for the crust. I don't think a pie is worth eating unless the crust is homemade and flaky.

So, once upon a time, I wanted to impress a boy. He was Quebecois, and I thought I would woo him with my southern charm by making my favorite dessert, Kentucky Derby Pie. (Now, this name is copyrighted, but I just don't believe in copyrighting a name as common as Kentucky Derby Pie, especially by a company who cares not about their crust.) You might find the recipe on the web under Kentucky Chocolate Pie, Horse Race Pie, or my favorite for silliness: First Saturday of May Pie. (I kid you not!) (You also will probably find it here some day.)

Anyway, I called my friend's mom who was a baker, and who I'd known for years, as she was a regular at the lovely and fantastic Paul's Fruit Market in Louisville's Chenoweth Square, where I'd worked for 7 years. She did not have a clue who I was. GREAT. Regardless, she shared with me her secrets and they have never failed me. Weirdo Canuck was impressed, award was won, and Portlanders anxiously await the first Sat. of May each year so that they, too, can have a piece of my pie.

Mama Siefert's suggestions: take any basic flaky pie crust recipe (I use Joy of Cooking, and I really have not memorized it yet after all these years) and add extra fat and extra water. Simple, non? She says she only uses Gold Medal Flour and Crisco. I use King Arthur Unbleached flour. As far as fat goes, here's the thing: vegetable shortening is very, very bad for you. Very bad. Butter is not so easy to work with and the results aren't as nice. Lard is out, as I am a vegetarian, much to the galette maker's dismay. I found some non-hydrogenated shortening at Wild Oats that works reasonably well for eating at home, and is much, much better for you (not that any of it is good for you!) than Crisco. However, if you want to win an award or a non-health-nut's heart, use the bad stuff.

So, for using extra fat: I use about 2 more rounded tablespoons? And really, I about double the water. (Sometimes even more!) And forget pastry blenders, two knives will do a much better job, and they are to clean. And don't touch it a second more than you need to, as the more you touch it, the less flaky it becomes.

I bought some pie crust guards, and those are nice to keep things from burning. And for the love of pie, please never use anything but a glass pie plate, the thicker the better. (Metal pie plates reflect the heat more and lead to a soggy crust.) I buy them at the Salvation Army so that if I accidentally leave one somewhere, I don't have to worry.

And one more word: pies are not for dieters. Do yourself a favor and don't try to make a low-fat pie. Either eat the good stuff and work out twice as long (isn't it worth it?) or choose another low fat dessert. Because eating a pie without a nice, flaky crust s like listening to an orchestra but only hearing the brass.