...part one of many, I am sure.
There are several things I will never understand about Mainahs:
1. Why they insist on complaining about the weather unless it is 76 degrees. Otherwise, it's either too cold, too hot, too cold in the shade, too hot in the sun, etc. Um, you live in MAINE.
2. Why they insist on eating fruit that is not remotely close to being ripe, and then they insist that it's really good. Peaches, nectarines, and pears should absolutely never crunch. And no, they are not good that way.
3. Why they insist on eating huge holiday dinners at 2 PM. Why not at a regular meal time, so your body is actually hungry when you eat? And so you don't get a weird hunger pang at 9 PM?
4. Why they really don't say much ever. Believe it or not, in the south, we actually do care how the people in the coffee shop line are doing. We actually do call lots of people, "Honey," and we actually bond over things like the grocery store being out of pecans.
5. Why they say they don't like grits. Most of the time, they have never had grits. (Once they try some cheese grits with garlic, like any smart person, they realize their folly.)
6. Why they don't pay attention to basketball. I understand that they don't have great college teams to rally around like we do in Louisville (go Cards!), but UMass is good, and being from Boston has not stopped the Red Sox from being the object of many a Mainer's affection. I ask this in true astonishment: how can anyone watch the thrilling action on the NCAA courts and not get totally wrapped up in March Madness?
7. Allen's Coffee Brandy.
8. Why they don't see the importance of serving bread warm as opposed to at room temperature.
OK, on the flip side, here are some things I love about Mainahs:
1. They tend, and I do say tend (ahem), to mind their own business when it comes to whom you worship, to whom you are attracted, and the color of your skin. At least they tend more than the south.
2. They know how to make some good chowder.
3. They like their beer strong and flavorful. Mmmmmmmmmm Geary's. Southerners are pretty darn attached to their cans of Bud Light.
4. They are not afraid to eat their own lobster.
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4 comments:
Ah, okay. This is too easy to rebuke.
1. When the weather is the only common ground you've got, you complain about it. Weather is like being at Thanksgiving dinner with your cousin you haven't seen in 10 years and not having anything to talk about but how much of a bigot your uncle stan is. Stan is still family, you love him, but you complain about him because that's all you've got. It's a binding entity in an otherwise culturally disparate state.
2. Hard pears taste better - end of conversation.
3. So that we can have snacks when we get back from our long walk in the woods after the first meal. This time, we will be thankful we remembered our blaze orange and did not get shot while on our walk. Anyway, Thanksgiving Dinner is just that, Dinner. Dinner is lunch, for you Southern folk. Supper is the final meal of the day. Get it? Breakfast, Dinner, Supper. Back in the day, Dinner (lunch) was the principal meal of the day, when we would all come in from milking the chickadees and skinning the mice for our winter hats and relax together as a family unit. Dinner. Or maybe you could call it dinnah, but whatever. It's lunch. That's why.
4. This totally negates your first point. We do in fact have much to talk about, and this mostly comes in the form of complaining about things (much like you in the south with your pecan shortages). Geezus. They're all outta relish at the hannahfaahd. Who th' fuck runs outta relish this timma yeah? Chripes. I should run that shitbag store n show um how it's done. Geezum you got them numbnuts down from biddy and they got friggin relish when you need it. Cripes. Friggin relish.
5. I love grits.
6. Yeah, you've got us on that one. I'm just not a fan. It would be a fun game to start watching though - I mean, what could be more entertaining than watching 10 tall overpaid assholes throw a big ball at each other.
7. Hey. Now it's getting personal. I got drunk on that shit for the first time in my grandparent's barn when I was 10 and dammit, I have really fond memories of that morning.
8. You're really going to pick on us for that? That's like saying that our restaurants are of a lower quality than those in the south because we use charmin instead of quilted northern. Moot point.
What else? Bring it on, KENTUCKY!
I am too bushed to respond in elaborate fashion, but: I too love grits, though not as much as I love cornmeal mush with molasses. I also like my pears (and bananas, for that matter) under-ripe. When I was a kid I liked the Celtics but that was the '80s when it was Ainge and McHale and Bird, that was it for me and basketball on TV. DO NOT DISS OUR ALLEN'S.
1. Southerners NEVER run out of things to talk about.
2. You are wrong. You see, I am an expert, as I worked at a produce stand for 7 years; therefore, I know what tastes good and you should like what I say.
3. How can dinner be lunch? That doesn't make sense? And, don't only old people say "supper?" I mean, you never hear people say, "Let's do dinner," when they really mean lunch, they say, "Let's do lunch." And you would certainly never hear anyone remotely cool and say, "Let's do supper."
4. But the point you are missing is that you are not having these conversations with complete strangers.
5. I love you.
6. NCAA lady, not pro. NCAA players are unpaid, and, have you never noticed the muscles?
7. Bread cold is, in my opinion, not really worth eating. The first time I went out to DINNER here I almost sent back the bread basket. I thought they forgot to warm it up. Why? Why do the world such a disservice?
Cheese grits and sweet iced tea - how do those northern folk live without it?
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